Rupert Giles had a headache. An alcohol induced one, but that didn't quite sum up the whole picture. Yesterday he had done two very stupid things; first he intentionally got himself drunk as a means of escaping the loneliness he had been living with recently; the second moronic thing he had done was fight with his Slayer and her friends while he was under the influence. The group had come apart before his very eyes, and he not only did nothing to stop it, he aided it in his own drunken way. He was supposed to be the adult, the one who helped keep things under control, but that job had taken a backseat to his own petty emotions and ramblings. Yep, it was easy to see why the Council had fired him. Control his
bloody ass. What happened the night before was anarchy, pure and simple.
All anarchy aside, he couldn't help but see the sense the fight had made. It had forced the teens and him to see some painful truths that needed to be faced if they ever hoped to be of any use as a group ever again. It had served its purpose, but that didn't make it any less pleasant or silly or an appropriate excuse for any of things he had done. It also didn't mean that the group would ever speak to each other again, which could be a major problem. It didn't change what he had heard, either.
The words still seemed to echo in his fogged mind, almost hurting more than his headache. He could not seem to shake the sound of Xander's voice exclaiming, “Tara's your girlfriend?!!!” It all felt so unreal, it just wasn't what was happening. Giles had tried to convince himself that it was a figment of his imagination, a reality that simply wasn't, but he knew it was. Willow had fallen in love with Tara.
Giles had seen it coming for weeks. The shy glances, the knowing looks between them. He had seen all the signs, and he had told himself that it could come, but he was still unprepared for it to actually be acknowledged. To him, it was like some horrible dream that you can't seem to wake up from. Willow was in love. Normally, he should have been happy for her, glad that she had someone to call her own, but he wasn't. He couldn't be.
“Bloody hell.”
Two words had said it all. Even in his inebriated state, he had realized what was going on, what the implications were. Oh, he had known what he had said. Later, when he was fully sober again, he was sure that he would tell the others it was simply surprise and nothing more, if they even bother to ask. He doubted they ever would. He would smile, welcome Tara into hishome again with open arms, but he was hiding a lot behind the thin veneer of his smile.
Giles had a difficult time believing it, and he had no idea exactly when it had begun, but there was no denying that he was jealous. He was jealous of Tara because she now had Willow, and he didn't. Sure, Willow had never been his or anything near that for the matter, but there it was all the same.
He hadn't realized it at first. It was only recently that he even dared to acknowledge it to himself. Actually, it was while he was pondering Willow's relationship with Tara that it had happened. Giles had no reason to worry about Willow, no real place to be concerned, but he was. There was only one conclusion he could reach, and the more he thought of it, the stronger it got. Yep, Rupert Giles was jealous. It's not as if he had ever expected Willow to see or return those feelings, but they were there, just underneath the surface, tightly guarded. So well guarded that it took him this long to see them.
The more he looked back on it, the more extensive and far back the realizations go. At first, he chose to ignore the feelings and hide them because Willow was half his age, underage, and also his student. That was more that enough to keep the emotions at bay, to control them and allow him to act like a gentleman around the pretty redhead. Then came Jenny, his darling gypsy. Giles had loved the woman, and Lord only knows what would have happened if she had lived longer, but she didn't. Before Giles could have the chance to be with the dark-haired technopagan, he was forced to face life without her, and his heart found some way to heal on it's own. Meanwhile, he had to fight the urge to reach out for Willow for comfort. Then there was Oz. Once Willow was no longer a minor or his student, she still had someone around who she obviously loved and was happy, and so Giles still kept the tide back. If either of the two had been as blunt about their relationship as Anya was about her and Xander's, Giles was now sure he couldn't have handled it. Luckily, neither Willow nor Oz was the blunt type, so he was spared from that possibility.
It was at that point that Olivia had reentered his life. She was a dear woman who came along at a point when he really needed her, and when Giles had first heard from her again, he was filled with more joy than he had felt in a long time. There were so many possibilities when it came to Olivia, and Giles didn't want to ruin it. She was a wonder to him and he didn't want to lose her, but there was still Willow. Somewhere, in all that time, in all his efforts to stop it, his heart had not forgotten about the sweetgirl who had offered to help him adjust to a new job on that first day. As much as he felt for and seen in Olivia, his heart was still drawn to Willow. And now it had been shot down, again.
Giles knew it was for the best. It was another good reason to hide his feelings, to bury them deep once again and hopefully, this time, it would be permanent. He was holding on to a dream that could never be, and the longer he allowed himself to do so, the worse it was on him, and on Willow. The reality of the situation was that it could never be, and he had many reasons to let it go. Olivia was the one he had given his heart to, and that where he knew it should stay. Of course, Giles knew that was much easier said than done.
Giles hoped he could hide it long enough to deal with it. There was no way he
wanted the others to know about his secret, not even Olivia. This was to be his secret, the one thing buried deep inside his heart, and that was where it would end. Giles had determined that his attraction to Willow would stop, no matter what. It had no reason for being, no future. Two things came to mind when he thought of his infatuation with Willow. The first was Faith's reaction to Wesley's own feelings towards Cordelia: “First word jail, second word bait.” The second was his own sage advice to Wesley during the prom as the twit stared at Cordelia: “For God's sake man, she's eighteen and you have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. Now quite fluttering about and get on with it.” Maybe a part of him had already held that conversation in his own mind had already dealt with the conflict of interests. Now Giles wasn't sure. There was no real answer, but he could lie to himself and say that there was.
There was a knock at the door to stir Giles from his reverie. His head still pounded, but he knew he had to answer it. There was no telling what kind of emergency it was. Giles found his way to the door, only for it to reveal the forms of Willow and Tara, searching for the laptop and disk Willow had left there the night before. He was vaguely aware of offering them an invitation to stay, but his mind was elsewhere. Giles couldn't help but recall the lyrics of some song that Buffy had very recently played off some new CD one night as the group was researching.
{I'm hanging out with me}
{And you're a vacant chair}
{A chosen compromise}
{This space we rarely share}
{And if you lived here, you'd be home now}
{So what you givin' up for me?}
{And what shall I give up for you?}
{Aimless expectations passing by}
{If you lived here you'd be home now}
{If you lived here you'd be home now}
{And to make it real}
{I need to have you here}
{I need you here}
{I need to hold you}
{Barren wasted life}
{Neglect of normalcy}
{And if you lived here you'd be home now}
{Oh, if you lived here you'd be home now}
{And to make it real}
{I need to have you here}
{I need to have you}
{It can't be sincere}
{Unless you spend some time here}
{I need to see you…}
{Supervision is what I need}
{Some consistence, tangibility}
{Some causal light days}
{Part of the furniture}
{I want to take you for granted}
{And see you regular}
{So what you givin' up for me?}
{And what shall I give up for you?}
{The separations tired, it's been too long}
{And to make it real}
{I need to have you here}
{I need to have you}
{It can't be sincere}
{Unless you spend some time here}
{I need to see you}
{I need you…}
{And if you lived here you'd be home now}
As the two young women quickly left to try to decrypt the disk in Willow's possession, Giles knew he had a long way to go. After Willow and Tara left, he found himself lost in the same thought as before.
“Bloody hell.”