TITLE: In His Arms I Find Comfort
AUTHOR: Meawan
EMAIL: meawan@msn.com
RATING: U
ACHIVING: If you would like it, ask.
SUMMARY: Giles comforts Willow when something happens to OZ
DISCLAIMER: All characters used are the property of WB, Joss, Fox, and their
production companies. I am not making an financial gain by using them in this
story or any other story I may write.
He was dead. It wasn't a silver bullet nor a hideous monster that killed him. It was a drunk driver, late at night on a lonely road. The drunk driver was driving the wrong way on a two lane highway and walked away with only a bump on the head.
Oz, Devon, and Max the bass player were gone in an instant. The other driver walked away from the accident and stood by a tree watching the pain she'd caused. The true victims of the accident were the ones that were left behind. For instance, victims like Deborah, Devon's mom, and Shelly his girlfriend. How about Trudy and Jeff, Max's parents. They would never again hear him play. The one victim that broke everyone's heart was Willow.
When she found out, she went silent. There were no tears, no hysterics, just dead silence. Xander tried to cheer her up, staying by her side. He slept most nights on the floor in her dorm room. But in the end, even he couldn't bring her out of it. The Scooby Gang was used to the dead, just not the dead being one of them.
Buffy spent all her off time just being with Willow and Xander. At the funeral, Willow stood away from the coffin, not acknowledging anyone that came near. Giles understood more than anyone. He went through the same feelings when Jenny died. If one spoke the feelings aloud, one would have to face the pain. The pain was too much to face all at once.
Sometimes the pain could make a person crazy. Giles was patient and kind, knowing that Willow needed the silence now, and would face the rest later. He gave her a precious gift... time. Filling up that time was not difficult. He would
invite her to go over to his apartment for research or to the University Library, or a hundred other little details and trips to take up some of her time.
She would not accept at first, preferring to stay in her room. It took Giles to go over to her dorm room to get her outside, in the real world. He would always be patient, letting her do the talking if she wanted to. He never asked her how she was feeling, because kindness sometimes backfires into more tears. Giles just let her grieve her own way, for awhile.
Tonight they were just sitting in the library, reading. It had been a week of thunderstorms, and the air had that crackly, sharp feeling after a bad storm. The humidity had gone and the sky was so blue it hurt your eyes to look at it. There was a taste of possibility in the air. Giles noted that Willow smiled for the first time in months while looking at the sky.
"Are you going to read that whole book?" she asked pointing at the dusty volume he was holding.
"I was pondering that very same question," he replied smiling.
"I was just asking cause there's ice cream and hot fudge downstairs with our names on it."
"Willow, you made a joke?"
"Don't tell anyone okay?"
He took her hand. "Your secret is safe with me."
Giles stared into her eyes, not quite meaning to get lost in the green depths. They sat together holding hands, just looking at each other.
"Hey G-Man!"
Giles and Willow hastily withdrew their hands. "Where are ya?"
Buffy rounded the corner of the stacks. "Here they are."
Giles had his angry face on and Buffy assumed it was because Xander was making so much noise. However, it was quite the opposite. Giles was about to say something important to Willow and was angry with himself for losing his nerve.
"Sorry Giles, I duct tapped his mouth shut, but he escaped."
"Yeah, hurt like hell."
Silence, Xander suddenly wished people came with laugh tracks. "Um, yeah... uh hey Will, Buffy and I were gonna catch some grub at the Dead End."
It wasn't exactly an invitation, but he let the sentence hang in the air like some thought balloon in a cartoon. Buffy jabbed him in the ribs. "What Xander and I want to know is if you want to come along."
Xander rubbed his chest expressively. "She knows what I mean, huh Will?"
Willow looked down at her lap. The sudden intrusion of her friends was jarring her nerves. For some reason she felt sure she was on the edge of something wonderful, but couldn't place the feeling, or give it a name.
"Well I have some computer things to do." she said softly
"Will you can do that some other time." Xander pulled on her hand.
Giles looked up, sadly. "I'll take a rain check."
"You sure?" she asked, hoping he would say no.
"Yes, go have fun, you need it."
Giles sighed as he watched them take her away. He packed up his books and shuffled into his office, suddenly tired.
* * * * *
Part 2
The noise at the Dead End was deafening. Willow struggled around the crowd with three cups of mocha, a plate of biscotti, a cup of whipped cream, and assorted shakers of chocolate, nutmeg and jimmies.
As usual, Buffy and Xander had no clue they were using her again. It seemed to come naturally. They wanted stuff and she went to get it. They needed something done, she did it for them. She tagged along when deeds needed doing. "Will, let me get that for you." Xander said, grabbing his coffee out of her hands.
Buffy grabbed the rest of her load and they all sat down. "What were you and Giles doing?"
Willow stared at her guiltily. They were doing nothing but reading, so why did she feel guilty? "Um, we were reading and stuff."
"Oh reading... you and Giles, why he's old enough to be your father! Reading is dangerous. Did you have protection?" Xander waggled his eyebrows at her.
Willow wanted to hit him. She could never think of Giles as her father. He was just Giles, her friend. Suddenly the thought of dumping her coffee over Xander's head seemed like a good idea.
"Hey leave her alone, if she wants to do the reading-is-fundamental thing with Giles then let her."
Buffy pulled Xander to the dance floor. "Dance with me."
She really wanted to have a talk with him. It looked like Willow wasn't in the joking mood. When they returned to the table Willow was gone.
********************
She was tired of listening to Xander try to cheer her up. Normally his jokes would have made her smile. Lately, he got on her nerves. Everyone got on her nerves, except Giles. He was just there patiently waiting for her to open up while everyone else wanted her to "let it out". Why let go when the pain was conveniently hidden deep inside. She left the Dead End because she was tired of having to cope with her friends.
The house was empty when she returned home. Turning the light on in her bedroom, she threw her book bag on her bed and switched on her computer. A while ago she'd met someone online who seemed to understand what she was going through. It was easy to talk to a faceless somebody who didn't judge her or expect her to be a certain way. The person she met listened without judgment and didn't attempt to pick her up. It was very much like talking to Giles. Tonight, Willow wanted very much to talk to her new friend.
Logging on the Internet, she ran the MIRC program and logged on to Chatnet. Bypassing #Cryhavoc, her current haunt, she created a new room for herself calling it #Caliper, and waited. It wasn't too long before a name appeared in the dialog box.
*bookman has joined #caliper
Hello there.
hello
How are you today?
Fine I guess.
Oh dear, I take it you didn't have such a good day. Want to
talk about it?
Do you really want to hear? I hate to bother you.
Nothing you do bothers me.
Why are you so nice to me?
I enjoy being nice to you.
:)
That's better. Now, what's bothering you?
My friends, there're trying to cheer me up.
How terrible of them. :)
Okay, I know they're just trying to make me better. But I don't want to be better.
Why not? You're young, you should be enjoying this time in your life.
I don't want to forget him.
You won't forget him. I promise. But don't spend your life feeling guilty because you lived and he didn't.
How do you know?
It happened to me, awhile ago. I had friends that tried to cheer me up too. In the end, I decided that life was worth living, and more so since I've met you.
*blush*
I don't want to scare you.
You don't. You talk like Giles, and I trust him a lot.
Giles?
Yeah, he's a friend of mine.
A good friend?
A very good friend.
*bookman may get jealous
:)
He's helping me more than Buffy, my best friend. Buffy is always about what she's doing, and why she's doing it. Xander, my other best friend is always making jokes and stuff. When I am with them, I disappear.
I'm sorry. So very sorry this happened to you.
You deserve much more than just a half life.
You know so much about me. Have we met somewhere? I don't know anything about you.
Well what do you need to know?
Everything. But it's okay if you don't want to tell me.
That's very open-ended :)
Okay we could meet?
Do you think that's wise?
You know nothing about me. I could be a monster.
I know monsters. Do you go out in the daytime?
Most assuredly
Okay then. :)
My friends want to go to the Renaissance Faire.
Um....er.... do you....um.
Do I want to go with you?
Yes.
Are you going to be in costume?
Yes, Buffy makes us.
I will consider it. If only to meet you. :)
If you were going to be there, where could I meet you and how could I tell it was you?
We will meet by the Maypole. I would know you anywhere. Are you going on Saturday?
How did you know?
I guessed.
Does that scare you?
No, somehow I think you could never scare me.
I do have my moments. However, I will strive never to show that side to you.
It doesn't matter, you are my friend. I take you as you are. :)
Maypole then?
I will try to meet you there :)
Now, I see it's getting late, and you need sleep.
That's what Giles always says.
Smart man!
I hope he will come too. You two would get along.
Perhaps. Only if he isn't a rival to your affections. :)
:)
Goodnight, sweet dreams.
okay :) Goodnight.
**Bookman quit
Willow turned off the computer with a sigh, wondering if he would meet her at the Faire.
*********************
Across town Giles pulled his hands through his hair. "What am I doing? Making a date with Willow at the Faire?"
He closed his MIRC program, the nick-name "bookman" fading away. In the beginning, he didn't plan on meeting her in chat. However, as soon as it happened he wanted it to last. Talking to her this way was non-threatening. It was a chance to let her get to know him without the Giles part of him getting in the way.
But now, how could he keep his secret in person? He truly didn't want to scare her, just when it seemed that she liked him. Although Giles wished she felt as strongly about him as he felt about her.
* * * * *
Part 3
"I thought you said he'd meet us here?" Buffy smoothed back the stray hairs that escaped from her headpiece.
Willow looked around, scanning the crowd for... for what? She didn't know what he looked like. "I thought he would be here," she said sadly.
"Well, I could always squire you two chicks around." Xander confidently put his arm around Buffy and Willow's shoulders, only to have it knocked away. "What the...." He turned around to see who did it.
"My Lady, is this ruffian bothering you?" The man behind them bowed, his voice lilting and smooth. "My Lady," Giles affected a lifting accent. "We finally meet."
Willow gazed at the figure before her. He was taller and older than she expected. However, he took her breath away, all resplendent in black and silver from his velvet jacket to the black boots covering his calves. Giles bowed, and then offered Willow his arm. Willow, still frozen to the spot, never moved until Buffy gave her a shove.
"Hello, I'm Buffy." Giles took her hand and kissed it, causing her to blush.
Xander pulled her aside to stand in front of Giles, still nursing his bruised hand and ego. "And who are you?"
"You may call me Sir Bookman." Giles stepped closer to Xander, dwarfing him. "And you may not touch the shoulder of my Lady."
"Okay, okay... hey nice codpiece...."
Willow's eyes glanced at the prominent codpiece of her escort and she blushed. Finally finding her voice, she mumbled. "Yes, very nice..."
Giles smiled, hearing her clearly. He was glad that the mask and beard hid his face, Willow might not have said that about Giles, but could say it about Sir Bookman.
Willow looked at Sir Bookman's face. He was wearing a black leather mask and a red beard. Most of his hair was pulled back under a black cap. She closed her eyes, he smelled of musk and pine. He offered his arm to her. "Shall we walk?"
As they made their way across the grass, Xander tried to get between Willow and Giles. Buffy pulled him back. "What are you doing?"
"Hello… we don't know who he is?" he replied. "He could be Mr-I'm-going-to-take-Willow-and-convert-her-to-the-dark-side, or worse?"
Giles stopped and turned around, playfully clapping Xander on the shoulder. "I assure you my intentions are honorable. Are yours?"
"W-well yes they are buddy. And you'd better watch it with Willow, or Buffy here'll kick your ass," he said harshly, his voice cracking on "Buffy".
Giles smiled. Xander was quite the protector. "Why not you?"
Xander was still huffing and puffing. "There's a fencing area over there. How about you and I settle this like men?"
Buffy giggled. "Like men?" she whispered to Willow. "More like one man and one doofus."
Both Willow and Buffy looked skyward. Why did Xander have to pick this of all times to assert his manhood. "Listen, how bout you sit this dance out and I'll take a crack at him." Buffy whispered to Xander.
"You can take us both on," he growled at Giles not wanting Buffy to upstage him when he was trying to prove he was man enough to protect Willow.
"Fine with me." Giles said taking Willow's hand and walking over to the fencing area.
"Do you mind my dear?" Willow, breathless with the sudden attention, only nodded her acceptance.
Giles first made sure Willow had a comfortable place to sit, a fact that did not go unnoticed by Buffy. When they were fitted with hoods, and jackets, they he accepted the swords from the Fencing Master. "Ready?" he asked
Giles assumed the first position automatically, as did Buffy. Xander however, could not get a grip on his sword, and started going on circles as it got caught on his jacket. Ripping it away, the sword slipped up Buffy's skirt, becoming trapped on her petticoats. The crowd roared with laughter, as he kneeled down to help her free the sword. Buffy pulled one way and Xander pulled the other. Suddenly he was under her skirt as she spun in a circle trying to back away. It was a comedy of errors until he stood up, and Buffy's skirt went over her head. "Xander!" she yelled.
Giles laughed until tears ran down his face, and looked over to see Willow laughing. This was a sight to behold. For a whole year she never smiled or laughed. He walked over to her shedding the jacket and hood, and sat down beside her. She clasped his arm and howled.
However, she was laughing almost too hard. Between bouts of laughter she was gulping air into her lungs. There was something breaking through Willow's reserve. As if compelled to, she burst into tears. Throughout the whole year, she never grieved once, now it came out all at once. Great sobs went through her and Giles lovingly held her against him. All the pain she'd been through in silence poured over him.
"He's.... he's gone!" she cried, throwing herself against Giles. "I... I.... want to die too..."
"Shhh, it's okay... don't cry darling, please," he kept saying over and over.
Buffy and Xander, finally freed from their comedy routine, ran over. Buffy plopped herself down next to Willow and they both supported her. "We have to get her out of here."
"Xander, please get a glass of water." he picked Willow up, cradling her sobbed-wracked body next to his. "Buffy we need a place to sit, out of the way of the crowd."
"On my way." She jumped up and ran over to a large hay bale under a tall tree, quickly dumping the occupants. "Over here!"
Gently sitting down, he held her tightly across his lap, letting her stream out all her misery on him. Buffy sat next to him, her hand on Willow's back patting and rubbing. "He's dead.... dead... I don't want to go on without him. I'm so lonely.... please tell me he'll come back to me, please?"
Giles closed his eyes, and just took it all in, she was crying the tears he wasn't allowed to shed over Jenny. Buffy wiped her face. "Oh God this hurts."
She couldn't hear Giles whispering to her that he was there and things would be all right. Her misery was louder than his love for her at that moment.
"Giles we have to get her home," Buffy whispered urgently.
"Yes, but how..." Pausing, he registered the concern on her face. "How did you know?"
"Shh tell ya later."
Holding the water in one hand and a whole box full of napkins in the other, Xander ran through the crowd. "Here, water," he grunted.
"Buffy, I'm going to take Willow home, all right?" Giles was asking permission.
"I trust you. Xander time to motivate."
"He's going to take her home?" he asked incredulously. "Who died and named you escort?"
Buffy snaked out her arm and pulled Xander roughly to her. "Giles did." She nodded towards Giles who had straightened up, still holding the weeping girl.
"Um...huh?"
"Tell ya later." she released him, "Much later."
When they managed to get to the parking lot, Giles put Willow into his car and buckled her in. Xander tried all the time to prevent them from leaving until Buffy got so frustrated with him, she practically ripped his arm off pulling him away.
"Don't you get it? That's Giles."
"No way!"
"Yeah, you have a serious case of 'codpiece envy'."
"I don't." He looked at his own costume, and grimaced. Giles and Willow were driving away.
"Come on.. I think Giles has Willow all wrapped up nice and tight."
They walked back to the entrance, and suddenly Xander stopped in the middle of the parking lot looking up to the sky.
"What are you thinking?" Buffy stood next to him looking up as well.
"I was hoping this was okay with Oz, you know?"
Buffy hugged Xander tight. "I'm sure its more than okay."
* * * * *
Part 4
Willow was sound asleep when Giles pulled into his garage. He carried her light body up to his bedroom and laid her on the bed. The only time she stirred was when he fumbled with the keys at his front door.
Looking down at her still form, Giles wondered how long it had been since she slept deeply, or at all. Everyday he saw lines and purple splotches under here eyes, and longed to ask her if she was sleeping.
Shadows of twilight gave the room a smoky look. Giles flicked the nightlight on, and whispered a small spell, keeping Willow asleep. She needed it. The last year without Oz had taken a toll on her health and spirit.
Giles carefully undid the ties that held her bodice in place, and peeled it away from her body. Then he removed her skirt and petticoats and finally her undershirt. Standing there looking at her naked body, he felt the familiar rush of arousal.
He had to admit there wasn't any other woman for him. She was his, and if it took a lifetime to convince her, then he would devote himself to that task. Tearing himself away from the bed he rummaged around in his closet for clean pajamas, before settling on an old cotton shirt. He lovingly fastened the buttons and kissed her lightly on the lips.
The twilight slowly disappeared and night had descended. Giles had spent a long time just holding her hand, and looking at her face. The phone rang and woke him out of his reverie.
"Hello." he said quietly.
"Giles? Are you guys okay?" Buffy's voice was full of concern.
"She's asleep."
There was a long pause, and Buffy finally spoke. "Do you love her?"
"Yes… Is that a problem?" He challenged her to say no.
Buffy wasted no time in replying. "No, as long as you don't let her down. We all love her. You're the one I would pick for her."
Giles smiled, his eyes becoming misty. Here was his best friend telling him that it was okay, that he could be happy if he wanted to. "Can you explain to Xander?"
"Already did. He says he'd better be the best man. Or he'll get me to kick your ass." She laughed. "I will too if you're a bad guy."
"I'll be the best guy possible, I promise." It was a silent promise to Willow as well.
"You're gonna tell her, right?"
Giles considered it, and wanted to. However, he was afraid. "What if she thinks I'm too old?"
More laughter, "Giles, let me tell you. With Willow, you're gonna have no problem. Call me later kay? Buh-bye."
Giles set the phone down and busied himself with dinner before he woke Willow.
********************
He let the chicken warm in the oven. Willow's favorite dinner, he knew, was fried chicken. He'd spent nearly a week pouring over recipes until he was confident he could make it. It was the small things he could do for her that made him happy. The light in her eyes, when he handed her a book she wanted, or praised her, was enough to make him contented.
It was hard to see her crushed after Oz died. So much so that he spent a long time pondering spells that could bring him back. But such life giving spells often gave the dead a evil cast. They hang between life and death being neither one or the other. It would have been worth it to see the joy in Willow's eyes. Giles would do that small thing for her even if it meant that he would be giving her up. To him, her joy was everything, and he gave her that selfless love easily.
"Giles?" Willow was standing at the end of the couch rubbing her eyes. "How'd I get here?"
Giles automatically held out his arms, "Come here."
She, surprisingly sat on his lap snuggling down against his chest. "I feel weird."
"It's a sleeping spell, it'll wear off shortly."
"Did you bring me here?" Her body was soft against him. "I was at the faire, I remember crying."
"Is that all you remember?" he asked gently, letting his lips rest against her hair.
"I remember falling asleep in your car."
He froze, she knew it was him. "My car?"
She snuggled down more, her hand pressing on his chest. "You're hot."
"Willow, you knew it was me? All the time?" His arms tightened around her as if the very knowledge of his deception would chase her away.
"I knew it was you in chat, and you said such nice things, and I was lonely and you k..knew." She stopped, little spots appeared on his shirt.
"Love, " he began, but she stopped him.
"No, I need to tell you that I love you, and I want to be with you and if you d-don't want me...."
"Want you! I love you, why wouldn't I want you?" He enfolded her in his arms, and kissed her hair, eyes, and cheek before capturing her lips.
She need never feel alone again.
END