THOUGHTS OF JEALOUSY
Laura Smith
It's funny how your life changes when you least expect it. I was minding my own business, coming into the Bronze from a wild night of patrolling Sunnydale's numerous graveyards, and was greeted by the strangest sight I think I've ever seen.
Giles. Giles looking far less Watcher-y and more…manly. Giles looking like a real guy in the Bronze. Sitting at our table. Staring. At Willow.
I love living on the Hellmouth. Makes life interesting.
"Hey guys." I sit on the stool next to Willow, following her gaze over to Giles. There's something seriously weird going on here. Oz is on stage and he's not being gazed at adoringly by my best friend. Instead, she's focused so intently on Giles' eyes that I doubt she even knows I'm sitting next to her. Leaning forward, I whisper in her ear. "I vant to suck your blood," in my very best Transylvanian accent.
She jumps and turns to face me. "Oh, hi Buffy. We were just…look, Giles is here. At the Bronze."
"I see that." I smile at him, sort of enjoying seeing him squirm. "What brings you here? And whatever you do, don't mention the word prophecy or fate of the world."
"I…I, um, came to have a talk with…Willow."
"At the Bronze?" I don't think my voice could sound any less believing, but I'm willing to give it a try. "And you got those clothes where?"
"I didn't want to seem conspicuous."
Nodding, I lean toward him. "Giles, you can't help but be conspicuous in here." He blushes and I feel bad. He's obviously trying to fit in and I'm not making him feel welcome. But this is the one place that I try to be Watcher free. I glance at Willow, surprised to see that she's frowning. "Why aren't you dancing with Xander?"
"I was talking to Giles."
This is getting stranger and stranger. Willow is just a shade lighter than her hair and she keeps staring at my Watcher like he…was…"Oh no." I shake my head violently. "No."
"What's the matter, Buffy?" Giles' voice is all concern, but it doesn't matter.
"Buffy?"
"Willow." I look at her sternly, my eyes begging her to tell me the answer I want to hear. Even before I ask the question though, I know that she won't. "Tell me that you're not…what are you guys talking about?"
I'd like to say that I'm just worried about this. I'd like to think that the only problem I see here is how people might react. But that would be lying. Giles is MY Watcher and I already have to share him with Faith. I've never had him all to myself. I'm the only Slayer with Slayerettes and, as much as I appreciate their help - especially when they save my life - I wonder sometimes what it would be like if it were just me and Giles against the world.
Willow looks at him for reassurance and my heart is somewhere in my stomach. It's true then.
"Well, Buffy…Willow and I…"
"I don't want to know. I don't want to hear it." I get up from my chair and refuse to look at either of them. "I need to patrol."
Never mind the fact that a few moments ago I figured I had killed just about every vampire in Sunnydale. Right now I wanted a whole Hellmouth worth of baddies to come at me so that I could release this emotion.
I brush past the crowd of people dancing and laughing and having fun. How can they be so blind? How can they not see? Of course, I didn't see my Watcher and my best friend falling in love right before my eyes.
Maybe being blind is an advantage.
***
I don't know how long I've been walking. There's a light rain falling and my anger is building to dangerous proportions. I want something to stake. I want to drive this pain and anger into the heart of some undead being so that I don't unleash it on someone I love.
"Buffy."
His voice is soft, yet strong enough to reach me. I turn around and stare at him like he was a betraying lover. "I don't know that you want to be around me right now."
"Tell me why you're so upset."
Name another girl who has heart to heart talks in the cemetery. "I don't know. I guess because you're supposed to belong to me." His eyes widen and I wonder what he might be thinking. "You're my Watcher. And we're supposed to share this bond."
"You don't think that we do?"
"How can you love her? She's half your age. She's a student, well, she was. She's Willow." I can hear the tears in my voice and turn a little of my anger onto myself.
"You know her. How can I not love her? I've…" he sighs heavily and rubs his nose, pushing his glasses up to his forehead. "I've been falling for her for quite some time. And we've recently discussed it and…"
"Discussed it." I feel a wave of something akin to disgust. "How did you discuss it?" Giles takes off his glasses completely and I want to cry. He doesn't even have to answer; it's there in his green eyes. Since when does he have green eyes? "You slept with her?"
"We…we…"
"Giles?" My voice sounds like it did the day my mother told me she and my father were splitting up. I'm not the Slayer anymore. I'm not even Buffy Summers, high school graduate. I'm a little girl who feels like her life is crumbling.
He takes me in his arms and hugs me tightly. I'm crying and I can't tell when or why I started. He strokes my hair, all the while whispering soft, reassuring sounds. I pull away once I've calmed down and try to think rationally. The look on his face is one of pure agony.
"I don't want this. I don't want you and Willow to be together." It's selfish. I know it. But all I can think of is the fact that if my best friend loves my Watcher and my Watcher loves my best friend, who's going to love me?
I had thought the look on his face was agony, but I must have been mistaken. The minute the words leave my mouth, Giles suddenly seems…broken. He looks worse than he did the day Miss Calendar was buried. He looks worse than I've ever seen him look.
And I made him look that way.
"You're…you're asking me to walk away from her?" His voice is soft and quiet, but there's a wealth of emotion in it. I can almost hear his heart breaking. And I suddenly realize what it is that I want. I want him to choose me over her. Not because I love him or want him, but simply because I think he's mine.
Am I that selfish? Am I that caught up in being the Slayer, in feeling like the world owes me something that I would steal the happiness of two of the people I love most just to make me feel a little better? Am I so prideful that I can't share their joy, I have to enjoy taking it from them?
No.
"No. No, Giles, I'm not." I shake my head and the tears are falling like the rain. "I won't ask that of you. I would never ask that of you." I look up at him and curse myself for the confusion and doubt on his face. "I want you and Willow to be happy."
"You don't." He's shaking his head. "You don't." He stands and walks away from me. His shoulders are bent as though the weight of the world were on them.
I run to catch up with him and whirl him around to face me. "Don't walk away. Okay, I'm being selfish. I was only thinking of myself. But I do that sometimes. I'm a teenager. And if you walk away now, I'm going to lose some of the best people in my life."
"No you wouldn't. You know you have to come first."
I hate the lack of emotion in his voice. "I don't want you to just be a Watcher, Giles. I want you to be a man, too. And if that means I have to get used to you kissing my friend, well, I guess I'll just have to." I think about all of the things he's put up with so that I could have some semblance of a normal life. "It's not going to be easy."
"Nothing ever is here."
"But I'm willing to try." I smile meekly. "And I can't, well, tell me to go to Hell. It's a doable thing around here."
He smiles back and I have hope that everything will be okay. "I never meant to fall in love with her. It just sort of happened."
I stand on tiptoe and kiss him softly. He steps back, shocked. "Lots of things just sort of happen, Giles. Usually the best things. It's going to be weird though."
"What's that?"
"Well, you're sort of like a father to me, so does that make Willow my step-mom? I feel so 90's now."
"Yes, well, you were certainly living in the past before this." He falls into step beside me and we head back toward the Bronze. "She's a little nervous about all this too, so whatever you do, I wouldn't call her Mom just yet."
"Can I call you Dad?"
"No."
***
Willow was staring at the table when we returned. Oz and the rest of the Dingoes were gone, and I wondered briefly how he'd taken the news. Xander sitting next to Willow, talking to her as though she were listening. How had Xander handled the news that his best friend was moving on?
"Hey Wills."
Her head came up and she looked at me hopefully. "Hi."
"I think I told you, the first time I met you here, that you should seize the day. You shouldn't wait for opportunities, because tomorrow you could be dead." She nodded. "Well, it still holds true." I know my eyes are teary again because she's taken on a crystalline sparkle. "Take care of my Watcher."
She doesn't say anything, just falls into my arms and hugs me tightly. I hug her back, winking at Giles over her shoulder. I've just got to change my thinking. I'm not losing a best friend. I'm gaining another Watcher.
Which might not be a good thing.
But then again, it just might.