EVER AGAIN
Laura Smith
"O…Oz." Willow stood up, leaving the warmth of Giles' embrace. "You're home."
"Yeah. I saw you walking. Followed you. Kind of sorry I did now." His green eyes held sadness and something Willow didn't want to identify. "I take it you two have something to tell me?"
Giles took a deep breath and stood, facing the younger man. "Yes. And no. It's not something I would mention, however, I have a feeling you're thinking something quite worse, so I'd better set things straight." He smiled at Willow, bracing himself. "On graduation night, I'm afraid…Willow kissed me."
"Kissed you?" One eyebrow shot up.
"Yes. She was a little tipsy, I think, and so…I'm rather embarrassed to say, I was so taken aback that I didn't exactly discourage her quickly enough. And for that, I am deeply sorry. But I think Willow has taken her embarrassment to extreme lengths."
Willow was shaking. Just her hands, clenched tightly together, but they were making up for the fact the rest of her seemed frozen in place. He'd lied. For her.
"Will?" Oz looked at her, concern for the shell-shocked look on her face winning out over the tightening in the pit of his stomach.
"I…" She shook her head and slumped to the ground.
*****
"Did I faint?" She woke up moments later, her eyes searching Giles' and Oz's faces. "I felt like fainting. It's a strange feeling. Why don't people faint more?"
"Baby? You okay?" Oz took her hand.
"I would guess she wore out her system fretting over this whole incident and, with your arrival, reached a critical overload."
Oz nodded, too concerned for his girlfriend to speak. Willow looked over at the librarian, unsure of what any of this all meant.
"Perhaps you should take her home, Oz. I think she needs a good rest and good company." Ignoring the sinking feeling and the sound of Jenny's voice taunting him in his head, he helped Willow to stand. "Go on. Go home. I have several things to do today and I won't get them done if I'm worrying about you."
Oz slid his arm around her waist. "Don't worry. I'll take good care of her."
Giles watched them leave, his heart sad. "That, my dear boy, is exactly what I'm afraid of."
*****
The library was deserted, as it was most summer days. Surrounded by the comforting smell of books and dust, he was almost succeeding in getting the events of the past few days out of his head. At least, as long as he didn't look over by the reading area or in his office. He'd really have to limit these illicit affairs to places he wasn't required to function in each day.
"Giles?"
The soft whisper stopped his heart.
"Go home, Willow." He refused to turn, to see her. To see her now would only shatter him. "Go away. Go to Oxford. Go and be happy."
"I don't know that I can. Be happy."
He knew what she was going to say. Knew that she was going to make him responsible for her happiness. Knew that he'd never be able to comply. She was, although eighteen and a survivor of nightmares unimaginable, essentially a child.
"Of course you can. You have your whole life ahead of you. Challenges, loves, discoveries. I am an old man by your standards."
"What do you know about my standards? My standards in men? Let's see. Alexander Harris. The stupidest man alive. Moloch. Oh, look. He's a demon. Oz. Let's forget Oz for a moment."
"I think this morning proved we cannot forget Oz. He loves you."
"I love you."
The simple statement crashed down upon him like a wave. "You're far too young to know what love is."
"Did you say that to Buffy too?" Her tone was angry now. "I have lived through so much. Fought more demons - real and personal - than most people face in a lifetime. You told me that you wanted me. You said things to me - called me things…."
"All in heat of passion."
"That's all this was? No matter what you said last night? No matter the promise that I was more to you than…" Tears clouded her eyes. The lump in her throat seemed to choke her. "Fine. I'll leave. I won't hold you to what you said. I won't…I'll go. To Oxford. To anywhere that will take me. Because I do love you. And I can't live here without you now."
"And what of Oz?" He snarled, whirling to face her finally. "What of him, Willow? What of you undying devotion to Xander?"
"What about Jenny? What about the woman who took you with her to her grave!"
He rushed toward her and grabbed her arms. Holding her tightly, he glared. "Don't you use her against me."
"I don't have to. She's your protection isn't she? She's what you use to shield yourself from the possibility to ever loving again, ever losing again. Well, guess what? You will love and you will lose. And when I walk out of the door, you'll have done both." She struggled against his hold on her; sure she would have bruises in the morning. "You cannot stop it. Not even with a ghost."
He let her go so fast, she stumbled. "Go away Willow."
She walked to the door of the library, her back straight. "I told Oz that I'm in love with you. He wasn't surprised. He's perceptive." She put a hand on the smooth wood. "If he knows it, why can't you?"
*****
"Willow? Earth to Willow?" Xander sat next to his friend, trying hard to get her attention. She stared out at the dance floor of the Bronze, obviously lost in thought. "If you don't answer, I'm gonna go get Giles and tell him you've burst out of a pea pod and aren't really Willow."
"What?" She turned slowly, only Giles' name catching her attention. "I'm sorry Xander. I'm a million miles away."
He motioned to the band on the stage. "Or maybe just a few yards?"
Willow glanced at Oz. He refused to look at her, but she could tell he was hurting. She hadn't wanted to hurt him, but she'd wanted to lie to him even less. He'd handled it better than she'd expected, grateful, she thought, that it was Giles and not Xander. His greatest fear had always been Xander. His greatest fear, but never his greatest threat. "No. Oz and I…we've split up."
"Will? I'm sorry. I had no idea." His concern was marred by the smile on his face. "But now we can be buds this summer. You, me and Buffy. Like old times."
"I don't think so Xander. I'm leaving at the end of the month. I'm going away to school, so I won't be around."
He looked stricken. "You're leaving? And I'm just finding out?" The betrayal in his eyes was worse than that in Oz's. "I thought I was your best friend. Remember? The tell each other everything especially the life changing events kind of best friends?"
"I just decided. You're the third person to know."
"Third? Why not just say last?" He was angry now, which she preferred to hurt. "Is there anyone left to tell?"
"I'm sorry Xander. But I just can't stay. I…" She swallowed hard, wondering where this was going to lead her. "I'm in love with someone. And he…he doesn't love me. So I need to go. I need to get away so I can move on."
"But…but I do love you, Willow."
His whispered plea was like a dagger in her heart. "And I love you Xander. But you're not the one."
He thought for a moment, running through all of her options. He hit upon one and gaped at her. "Angel?" His voice was a mix of incredulity and disgust. "C'mon Wills, don't tell me you fell for the tall, dark and undead thing too!"
"No," she smiled. "Not Angel."
"But…but that just leaves…Giles?"
She didn't respond, other than to blush profusely. He was about to give her a typical Xander response when something hit him. She wasn't afraid to tell him about this. She was over him. She was really in love. She was leaving that behind.
"Will? Have you told him?"
She couldn't control the tears brought on by his apparent acceptance. She nodded. "Yeah," she sniffed. "More than."
"Willow!" He smiled widely, enjoying his friend's embarrassment. "You hussy."
"Shut up Xander!"
"He's just letting you go?"
"He's just telling me to go."
They sat in silence, letting the music wash over them. "I'm glad you found someone to love, Willow. Even if he's an idiot for letting you go."
"You…you don't mind? You don't think I'm…weird?"
"Well, in a world of vampires, demons, and preying mantises, " Xander paused as though he were considering things. "I'd have to say you're pretty normal."
"I thought you'd be wigged."
"Hey, I love Cordelia. I've got no room to talk." He was about to say something more when he noticed a severely out of place person in the doorway. "We've got company."
Willow turned, her heart skipping a beat when she saw him. He was dressed in dark jeans, an oxford shirt and a jacket, made - surprisingly - out of something other than tweed. The swirling, colorful lights danced rainbows off his glasses as he made his way over to them.
"The Buffster's on patrol, G-man. If that's who you're looking for." Xander watched amused, as Giles struggled to find an answer. "If it's not, well, I'm gonna put everyone on the floor at risk and go dance."
*****
He sat in Xander's vacated chair, unsure and uncertain. "I'm not looking for Buffy."
"I gathered."
"I needed to say some things to you."
"Before you start, I just want to say that if it's anything other than 'I love you, Willow' or 'Please don't go, Willow' I don't particularly want to hear it."
"I love you, Willow."
She looked up, surprised.
"But this cannot happen. We can't * be *. I have duties, responsibilities. You are so young."
"I'll get older. And even your Watcher's council surely couldn't complain. I know everything. I understand everything. I help with everything. I could be a watcherette." Her eyes pleaded with him; the same dark magic that had attracted him to Jenny was deep within those eyes. "Even if it's just the group that knows…even if it's just for a little while…even if it's just for a lifetime? Please Giles? Please Rupert?"
The sound of his name on her tongue sent shivers of longing up his spine. "I've come to the realization that I have very little will-power where you're concerned. No pun intended."
"Is that a yes?"
"I don't think I could say no."
"So don't. Ever again."
Next: Much More Than This