Author: Ezz
Title: Life After Death
Rating: 12
Email:
wiccaezz@yahoo.co.uk
Summary: Willow and Giles come together (or wil eventually) after a personal tragedy.
Feedback: Yes please but criticise kindly, this is my first ever fanfic, don't be too mean. If you read it let me know what you thought
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss. I'm just borrowing them. No infringement
Intended.
Chapter 1
Though they all searched for her, somehow he knew that he'd be the one to find her. He'd be the one to tell her. Though in his small part he tried to save the world from the evils that surrounded him, he knew that there were some people he could never save. As watcher, sometimes his destiny was simply to watch and face the consequences of his fate. It never got any easier.
He pushed back the library doors, hoping that she wouldn't be there, that she wouldn't be sitting at the book-covered table, that he wouldn't have to find the words or be the destined watcher as he watched them tumble from his mouth. But as the double doors swung open all hope disappeared. Faded when saw those books, lost when his eyes met her face.
“Giles!” Willow smiled as entered. Following his movements from over the ragged edge of her book she continued “Hey I think I may be onto something with this new demon, you know the spiky lookin' one Buffy saw, and there's, in this book, there's one or two, well actually its more like five or six – but anyway I think maybe it might be this Mexican guy um, Espinoso because…”
As she looked up and saw his face her voiced trailed off leaving only the fatal hush of the air. “Giles?” Her concern brimmed as it replaced the nothingness. “Giles what is it? What's wrong?”
He glanced away from her knowing that the time had come. He could not look at her as he said it. Even so his half-prepared words caught in the back of his throat for a second too long and, in that brief eternity, merged, eventually abandoned to just one simple word.
“Oz…” Eyes met eyes “ Willow… I… he”
“Oh my God! Giles what is it? Is he sick or – on patrol was- was he hurt?”
As he turned from her again she rose in one fluid movement to the stairs where he stood. She pulled his shoulder, forcing him to face her and, simultaneously, forcing him to speak.
“Willow…” Giles took one breath and it was done. “Oz died tonight.”
“What?” Water began to glaze her disbelieving eyes. “What?” She repeated the word as though she needed confirmation, or better yet denial of what she thought he'd told her..
“He was killed on patrol. The demon was much more powerful than we anticipated” the tears sounded in his throat as he tried to force the words through. “We tr- we tried to stop it but it was just too strong. We coul- we couldn't…”
As the truth broke through, Willow's knees began to buckle and the weight of the words sent her tumbling to the floor. Giles caught her in his arms, steadying her descent and offering vague shadows of comfort. Drawing her close he knew that there was nothing left to say. He could do no more than to be shoulder, to be watcher and consoler. To watch her cry.
Chapter 2
Not one of them could be blamed. Yet each shrouded themselves in their own guilt. But for some this self-reproach gave way and became mixed with concern and worry. Worry for one who was encased in grief and pain. Worry for one who could no longer be reached through the hurt. Not one of them could be blamed but for Willow the fault was hers. She was the guilty one, now isolated by her own remorse, a prisoner to her own over-whelming emotions. For Oz's death, not one of them could be blamed. But they each took it upon themselves to save Willow.
The phone rang, breaking through the silence of the evening.
“Giles?” The tear-tinted voice breached the darkness of his home.
“Buffy? What's wrong? Are you alright?”
“ Yeah, yeah I'm fine it's just?”
“What?”
“I'm really worried about Willow. Ever since Oz died she's been really different, She's not coping at all!”
“That's understandable Buffy. Willow has lost someone very close to her. She's still grieving. Maybe if you backed off a little she…”
“No! It's more than that. I know she's still hurting don't you think I understand that?! Giles she hasn't come out of her room once, not once. She hasn't eaten since it happened, she won't let anyone in, not me, I mean not even Xander! She won't even talk to us. We've all tried but it's like she's just shut down. I've tried everything but nothing is reaching her. I don't know what to do!”
“It's going to take time. Perhaps after the funeral…”
“She said she wasn't going”
“What?”
“I know she's in denial but she won't even listen to us anymore. I think if she doesn't go she'll regret it. We might even lose her all together. I can't let that happen Giles.”
“Normally I wouldn't recommend interfering. But in this case I'm inclined to agree with you”
“So you'll talk to her? Convince her to go?”
“Buffy I don't think…”
“Giles she'll listen to you. She respects you, please. Please say you'll try.”
The watcher sat in the shadows of room. Even through the darkness and empty space between them, Willow's pain saturated him. He knew that suffering, he had felt it before, had experienced it himself. He understood. He answered:
“Okay.”
“Thanks. I just hope you can make her hear you.”
“Me too. I'll be by in the morning. Goodnight Buffy.”
“Thanks Giles. Goodnight.”
The phone went dead as was the night. Giles was left alone, only his thoughts with him. There was a time to watch and a time to act. This time, he told himself, he would not stand back, would not allow himself to be helpless. He could not be the watcher. For this time he could save someone. He laid his head down, hoping that sleep would take him, if only for a little while. And with the dawn, the morning's light would refresh him, give him the strength to do what he had to. But sleep evaded him and the morning soon came, bringing no reassurance. The watcher prepared to become the saviour and there was only one way he could set your mind at rest. He had to succeed. He tentatively approached the door, and broke through into her world.
“Willow?” His voice was soft yet was full-bodied and gently cried concern. Had he expected an answer? He was not sure himself. The only reply he got was the quiet of the void behind the door. But she had heard him. Though he spoke faintly for some reason his voiced reached her with a clarity she had not experienced in days. It came again:
“Willow? Willow, it's Giles. Will you let me in?”
The silence remained. Giles did likewise. This was a battle like none other he had faced before. But he would win. He had to win.
“I'm not leaving you. Not until you let me in, talk to me anyway.”
He hoped in vain that she might say something, anything; open her mouth in search of comfort, in pain, even to abuse him. Nothing. He sat on the floor, back against the door, in it for the long haul.
“If you won't speak just listen then…”
He spoke gently through the physical barrier. She listened. He spoke of the pain she felt and how that pain would only increase if she didn't let others in. She listened. He spoke of her friends and family, how they cared for her, how seeing her so isolated was like seeing her die. She listened. He spoke of the grief and suffering he felt when Jenny was killed, how he was angry, how he felt rage and hatred and hurt he never thought possible. He told her it would help to say goodbye, to go to the funeral. She moved. The door opened.
“How can I face it Giles? It's my fault. It's my fault he's gone and I can't fix it. Why can't I fix it?” She broke down as she stood before him. His soft words had stripped her of her defenses.
“It's not your fault.” He held her arms tightly hoping that she could draw on his strength. “You can't blame yourself for what happened”
“But I told him – I told him to go on patrol. He wanted to stay with me and do research but I thought… He'd still be here if it weren't for me.”
“Hey. It's not your fault. We all know the risks of what we do, Oz was no different.” He drew her in close as he talked. “You owe it to him, to yourself to be at the funeral, to say goodbye.”
She nodded in his arms; her salty tears forming watery paths on her cheeks.
“Will you take me? Tomorrow I mean.”
“Of course.”
The watcher would be watcher once more. He had broken down her safe guards and emotional bars. He had brought her out from behind her walls but now she had nothing left to lean on. Except for him. And her would be there to support her. He would watch over her as she stumbled through the pain. Watch over her as she healed.
***
“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the Heaven…”
They stood under the slate gray skies, which seemed all the time like they may burst open, but never did. He stood tall, the pillar she needed.
“A time to be born, a time to die…”
He supported her when none of the others could get close. And they stood back and let him sustain her as the tears fell where rain would not.
“A time to embrace, a time to refrain from embracing…”
Though Xander wanted to be the one to comfort her, he stepped back, the watcher in his place. He put his arm round her, trying to lessen the pain. To offer her physical strength where her emotional strength failed.
“A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace…”
And Willow wept with every word and every breath that passed. And she drew on him as she let Oz leave. And with a final vow of love, through the tears she said her last goodbye.
Chapter 3
No Magic could help her now, not even if she had access to it. But Willow had put those gifts aside. She had tried, once or twice, to open herself to it, secretly, but Giles had found her. With one disappointed look he said it all, but his soft words gave her extra warnings. He had felt let down, believing that Willow should know better than to summon such powers in her still emotional state. But he had also understood her grief and her need to be in control. It was the same feeling that had almost got him killed after Jenny died, he reminded himself. Thus Willow had stopped, locking the magic inside of herself until he felt she was ready again. Even so magic would have been of no use to her this time. This step had to be taken alone. And that's what it was, just another step, small in the physical realm but mentally… All thoughts of stumbling, falling were pushed down, swallowed with a biting intake of breath. Just one more step. Willow took it.
The library. The comfort of familiar books and the pain of old memories. She hadn't known what to expect there. Everyone's face as they stared down in research, Buffy training or bearing weapons, perhaps just Giles there alone with a mug of tea and a towering stack of books, where once she may have sat, sharing the load. She partially hoped it would be the latter. She longed for the peace and understanding that Giles embodied and not all the endless questioning that came with the others. She had not, however, expected silence. To the ear it was as if the room had emptied as she stepped into it. The library was far from empty but, even in the hush, the atmosphere was less than peaceful. The hum of frozen conversation lingered still and she became a stranger to these well-known surroundings. Giles brought her back through from the quiet.
“Willow… we erm… that is to say… we weren't expecting to see you.”
“I thought maybe I could help with something, you know research maybe or computer stuff.”
“Of course.”
“Yeah Wills, grab a book and join the fun” Xander chipped in, but not in his usual high-spirited way, he said it cautiously, glancing at both Buffy and Giles semi-nervously.
“So what is it we're looking for?” Willow said heading towards them.
“Well erm… actually…”
“It's a demon. Yeah we've got a whole demony thing going on and Giles can I talk to you … Over there” Buffy interrupted Giles and with one long look pulled him away from the others.
“Giles we can't tell her.”
“She has a right to know Buffy.”
“No! I can't even believe you're considering this.”
“Willow deserves to know the truth.”
“The truth would destroy her. She's my best friend Giles I just wanna protect her.”
“We can't keep something of this magnitude from her anymore.”
“Well you may not care about her but…”
“You know damn well I care for Willow!”
Giles' anger rose to the surface of his skin and burst through, rivaling that of his slayer, winning out over hers and leaving hers behind.
“Giles… I'm sorry that wasn't fair. I know you care about what happens to her, we all do, but she's already been through so much. I don't want to add this to her list. I mean do you? Really?”
Giles removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose where beads of emotional perspiration had begun to form. Breathing in the slightly stale air and new perspective he sighed… and relented.
“Alright. I'll set her to work on something unconnected to this matter. You, Xander and I shall continue our efforts separately.”
“Thanks Giles”
The well-known mixed scents of tea and books had re-opened Willow's inquisitive eye. As Giles and Buffy returned she noticed a slight change in the watcher. It was as though he was somewhat more distant, like his most recent secret topic of discussion was literally weighing on his head, casting his eyes down with it.
“What's going on guys?” She allowed her inquisitions to be externalized.
“ Well Buffy and I… that is..”
“I was just telling Giles I wasn't sure you should be back here. Sorry Wills but you know. But anyway you know Mr. logical Giles. He said we should just leave it up to you so…”
“Darn tootin' you should!” Willow's anger mixed with the light tone of her delicate voice as she spoke. “Gee guys I know you're concerned but Giles is right on this one. I just wanna try and get back to normal – dusty research and all”
“Got it. Shutting up now. Anyway if dusty research is what our Wills wants I think we've got plenty to go round. Giles'll fill you in, right?”
Giles' weak smile tried to blanket the lies and guilt that cast their shadows on his face. He led Willow away from the others, mendacities haunting every leaden footstep. She stayed there, separated from them by a world of lies, deemed necessary to save her. So she remained as the hours passed from day to the quiet dusk of evening. And, as the sun and moon traded places, the library again fell into a hush. This time it was the silence of the void for, as the place emptied, Giles and Willow were left alone.
“It's late. Perhaps you should be getting home. I could drive you i…if you wanted.”
“Thanks. I'm not having much luck here anyway.” She replied softly to his offer and ,after the silence filled them both once more, she spoke again “I'm sorry Giles”
“Wh- we- What on earth for?”
“I wanted to help – you know like I did before… but I've not found anything not anything. I'm just .. I mean I just feel… I'm useless Giles I can't even do research right anymore.”
“Willow…”
The truth inked the tip of his tongue, rushing forwards. He blocked it, exchanging it for simple condolences. At least these were honest, she deserved that from him.
“This isn't the first time our research has been- how shall I put this? - less than fruitful. That doesn't mean you're useless. You've always been of great help to me, and will continue to be so… even if you never find anything. “
He smiled the first truthful smile of the evening. It was a great relief to him, as well as to her. The silence did not bother him either, for this too was direct, honest. No lies, no deceit, no magic, just two people in the world that they knew and loved.
“Let's get you home”
Giles hand lingered on her shoulder, offering the strength and reassurance that she knew she relied on still. They both knew it. So when Giles moved to his office, even briefly they both also knew that Willow was alone, to draw only on herself. She crossed the darkening room to the still book-filled table. She opened herself to the experience, the good and the bad, the memories that were abounding. She ran her hand over one of the books, feeling the warmth where Giles' hand had turned the pages. Finally she drew it into her own hand and up to her eyes, they open, awaiting answers. They were widened by what she saw and with a gasp of air she let the object drop back to the table and herself collapse into a chair. One step. Just one step, how hard could it have been?... she stumbled…
“Willow? Willow what's wrong?”
Giles came over to her side and touched her arm. Willow flinched away as though his very touch were poison. The strength that usually flowed from him had vanished, replaced by something sinister.
“This… This is the demon isn't it? This is the one that killed Oz.”
“Willow…”
“NO! Don't. Giles don't lie to me anymore! I researched this demon you can't tell me he didn't do it!”
“No I can't”
“That's what you were all doing here tonight. Wh- Why didn't you tell me?...”
Giles had no more words. No truth, no lies, no magicks he possessed could have said more than the hollowness that encased them. Betrayal.
“He's still alive”
Betrayal. These were the last words he heard before, with a flash of rage, Willow ran. He could not stop her. Betrayal. He could not help her. She was gone. He watched her go. Betrayal, there was no other word for it. He had lost her, lost her to the dark arms of the night. Lost her, perhaps, to the darker world of magic. One step. Just one step. She had fallen.
Chapter 4
Everything Willow had come to believe cracked around her and shattered, splintering the world of dark magic. She had run from the library, retracing the lies in her head. She did not stop running. Her mind was made up. She reached home, pulled a magic book from a shelf, quickly jotting something down. A couple of spells and it would all be over. She knew what she had to do and she wasn't going to give anyone the chance to stop her.
***
“What happened?”
“She saw the book I was researching from. She ran off.”
“And you didn't think to go after her?!”
“Yes Buffy” Giles said with an audible note of frustration “I tried but she was gone. That's why I'm calling. I was wandering if you'd seen her at all.”
“I've not seen her. I mean she may just be at home but… How could this happen!”
“I'm sorry Buffy.”
“I just need to know she's ok. Can you check her house?”
“Of course” he half whispered.
“Giles… Do you think she'll try anything… you know sort of …Wicca related badness?”
“I don't know. In her current mental state it would be a rather bad idea. But…”
“Gottcha.”
***
“Through the flame, come to me! From fire and darkness to this sacred place, I summon thee. ??? f??te eµp??? ”
The chalk at her feet began to shift and the markings let off their white dust. The ground was humming. Soon it would be here.
“??? f??te eµp???”
The stones around her glowed for an instant, then stopped. Dark silence surrounded her. It was time. His yellow eyes appeared from the black
***
The door pushed open when he knocked. This wasn't a good sign. He entered tentatively.
“Willow!” he called desperately hoping she might yet appear.
“Willow! I-It's Giles. Are you there?”
He walked the stairs up to her room. The door was shut. Maybe she was just hiding in there.
“Willow” He said softly “ I- I know you must be angry. You have to understand that we did it because… well, that is to say… we… well we all care for you Willow. A-and I know it might not seem like any excuse but…” his voice tailed off.
“Willow? Willow, are you in there? Really, stubbornness won't solve anyth…”
His words fell short as his suspicions once again struck him. He turned the handle in front of him and the door fell open. Books were scattered on the floor, one of them still open, the pages marked. He took a sharp breath as he looked upon the words…. Willow…. He had to stop her
***
“Come and get it!”
She placed her palms flat upon the ground and called upon the power. Her fingers tensed as it flowed through her. She was alight, her face glowed bright. His eyes gre dimmer and he groaned as the power surged stronger. Suddenly her arms tensed. Her head jolted back and…
***
He put his foot down harder, cursing the car for not being able to go faster. His mind raced quicker with each beat of his heart, his pulse too increasing in rate. He should have known! He thumped the steering wheel with his hand, half wishing it was his face. There still might be time. He had a mission and he wouldn't fail her… couldn't. What if it was too late? He couldn't think about that right now. The car swerved round the corner, approaching the right place, and screeched to a halt. Flinging the door open and hurling himself onto the night's path he could feel the tingle of magic before he turned the corner.
***
Her eyes grew large and black, the tips of her hair following in similar shades. Her skin paled as the total power began to consume her, feeding on her. Her hold on the creature weakened… as did her body.
***
He felt a change in the air's vibrations. There was power, a dark force… and it was fluctuating. He turned and saw the chalk markings, the candels and the stones. He saw the flash of the demon as it fled from that place. Suddenly her saw her slumped form. In an instant he knew what had happened. There may still be time. He had to move quickly. Giles scooped Willow up, cradling her into his arms and rushing het back to the car. He caringly placed her in the back, gently pushing the hair from her delicate whitened face. He put his foot down full again. There was so little time. At his destination he pulled her into his arms again and ran with all his might, her body still shaking like a live wire.
Chapter 5
* Light* Eyes* Shaking* Screaming* POWER*
Her eyes flickered open. The room was filled with a rhythmic beeping and she was enveloped by an unpleasant but familiar smell that turned her stomach. She breathed in, hard, pushing down the nausea, burying too the burning embers of her nightmares… or memories.
Her vision was still hazy when the door opened and she saw him, almost in a silhouette: That identifiable face through the mist, that same reassuring presence.
“Giles?”
“Hello Willow .” He spoke almost in a whisper
“What are you doing here… wh..”
“You're in hospital Willow .”
Willow pushed herself up so she was sitting slightly. Hospital? Though her sight was now clear her mind was obviously far from it.
“ Willow ?” Said Giles, catching her attention and bringing her back from the confusion. “What's the last thing you can remember?”
She tried to think back but found a void, blankness.
“I don't….” She started “…the spell… I…” Her voice ebbed out.
Oh G-d the spell! What happened?… Was he mad? She felt like such a fool! He must have thought she was so stupid – a child messing with things she couldn't handle. Maybe he was right. She turned her face from him.
“Willow…” He spoke softly. “I'm not angry”
“Really?” She asked, although she already knew he wasn't.
“Really.” She turned to look at him again. “ Honestly though” he continued in lighter tones “ if you were worried about my reactions you should have seen Buffy's”
“Was she mad?”
“I- I think it would be safe to say that we were at the wrong end of her slayer strength…a-at least vocally.”
Willow smiled a little. It had been so long, he thought, since he'd seen it.
“I'm just relieved that you're alright, all things concerned.” His voice became serious again “The magicks that you called on were very dark and powerful. That kind of energy can be very unpredictable. We weren't sure you were going to pull through when I found you.”
“I'm just glad you got to me in time… Thank you.” She meant it. He had saved her, in so many ways it seemed lately.
Giles smiled at her. He of all people knew how fortunate she had been and the danger of that type of power. She had a strength and determination which he admired, reminding him of the old Willow , but also of something new… remarkable.
“Giles?” Her voice caught him from his mental wanderings.
“Willow…” He said quite slowly, giving himself one last mental check… it was time. “I'd like you to continue your magic training – with me as your supervisor of course.”
“Really?!”
“On one condition – no more risks, no more chances. Nothing is to be done unless I'm with you.”
Willow nodded, his words forcing their way through the tingling layer of excitement she felt.
“There's something else” Giles continued. “We are going to have to work very closely with each other. This means we'll need a high level of communication and trust. I will have to be your anchor and vice verse. We will have to work as one unit together. Do you think that you're ready for that?”
There was only one answer.
“Yes.”
***
It was just less than two weeks after Willow got out of hospital when they began. Simply at first, control techniques, a few basic spells. Dusk was falling around Giles' apartment, there were mugs of tea on the coffee table and Willow was slouching on the couch, her head tilted, spilling her hair over the back. Giles came through from the kitchen. A slight smile passed his face as he saw her sprawled there.
“I think we should call it a night don't you? .... Unless of course you're in the mood for a twelve hour Assyrian summoning spell?” he added with a distinct tinge of humour.
Willow raised her head and smiled, her bright eyes obviously becoming tired.
“Oh noooo thank you.” She replied, echoing Giles' light tone. She tilted her head back again, this time letting her eyes close. “ I am kinda beat.” She added, feeling a bit like a cartoon cat with anvils drawn on her eyelids.
“Yes. I- I find that magic can be quite draining.” Said Giles, who took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose, before replacing them and continuing again. “I'll put the kettle on again. There's nothing that more tea can't solve that's what I always say… except of course if there's a vampire lunging for your neck. Can't exactly ask him if he'd prefer a nice cup of tea instead of chewing on your main arteries….”
The rest of his friendly banter was lost to Willow . With her eyes closed she had entered that near twilight zone, somewhere out of consciousness but not yet in sleep. It was like travelling towards a dream, neither real… nor unreal. Just there – being. She half listened to Giles speaking, but not what he was saying and concentrated on his warm manner as the darkness of sleep took her, and his voice drifted away.
Giles, of course, had not realised he'd been talking to himself until he re-entered from the kitchen and moved to take Willow 's mug. He would let her sleep a little, replenish her energy. Meanwhile however, that mug of tea and a good book would work wonders for his own energy levels.
***
The eyes found her again in the night. They flashed at her and she saw the circle of candles and white chalk around her. Another flash and the dark beast rushed towards her. She saw her body change and the light shoot through it. Suddenly she was ablaze! Flames roared round her form, her flesh melted around her bones as the fire ate through her skin, burning, charring, disintegrating. Those eyes looking on as her body, still alight, blackened, crumbled, turned to ash…
***
Her lungs took in air as if breathing the first breath and Willow snapped back into consciousness. She gasped again to find Giles right in front of her, kneeling on the floor and grasping her arms almost viciously.
“ Willow …?” his concern was obvious, engraved not only in his voice but on his face.
Willow was silent. Still in shock she stared down at her hands to find a thin layer of sweat on them. Giles loosened his grip on her and slowly let go of her arms. Her breathing steadied and the small beads of moisture on her hands and head, lessened, soon disappearing all together. Having given her enough time to recover physically, Giles then had to ensure that she was all right mentally, emotionally.
“ Willow …. What happened? Was it a dream or some kind of flashbacks…?”
“Yes ... I… I'm not sure. Both maybe?” She was clearly still shocked but her strength was pulling her through again.
“ Willow ” he said softly “this may simply be a reaction to the magicks we've done today – that combined with your previous experience. Magic is a complex force in the universe, it affects each individual differently. These visions may be nothing more than your body somehow purging itself.”
Willow nodded, still in a confused state. Giles raised his hand and softly placed it on her shoulder. Willow gave a half smile at his reassurance.
“Nothing is going to happen. You're perfectly safe here I promise.”
She again smiled, believing his words. He gently squeezed her shoulder and let his hand rest there just a little longer before removing it. He stood up and once more took off his glasses, relieving the tension in his eyes.
“I- It's quite late.” He said eventually. “You need to get some proper rest. Why don't you stay here this evening? No arguments. It's too late for you to go home alone. Take my bed upstairs, I'll sleep on the sofa.”
Willow arched an eyebrow and opened her mouth with the intention of protesting but Giles anticipated her objections.
“I said no arguments. Go on”. He cut her off in a gentle yet oddly humorously bossy British way. “If you need anything I'll be right downstairs.”
Willow was too tired to argue so instead gave him an exaggerated eye-roll and playfully shook her head as she headed upstairs..
It became somewhat of a habit after a late-night training session. She would just sleep there instead of heading home. Sometimes if Giles was feeling like a “real gentleman”, as Willow sarcastically put it, then he'd let Willow take the couch instead of himself.
But this evening, the first, she entered a peaceful unconsciousness, undisturbed by nightmarish imagery and wake with the dawn, to a new day and a new beginning.