Afraid
By A.M. Glass
Copyright: Jan. 1, 2000
Rating: ‘15’ was ‘12’, but lost that rating due to ONE... count it ONE word. Heavy Sigh.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Fox Studios, Mutant Enemy, et al, have something to do with “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”. No copyright infringement is intended or inferred. The story along with any/all original characters are the sole property of the author and can not be used without expressed permission first.
Thanks:: To Tracy, for whom without, I would still be leaving the question mark symbol off. Not that I still don’t from time to time.
Author’s Note:: Angst, lots of internal dialog, and an ending I’m letting you know right off the bat, you’re not going to like. Which is why I purchased this... thump... thumphandy dandy kevlar vest, which should absorb most of the cries of outrage... doesn’t it make you want to just skip to the end?
Song Story Alert:: The song is called “Driftin’ Away”, it’s written by Tommy Simms and can be found on the CD, “Chris Gaines: Greatest Hits”.
Spoiler Alert:: References to a few episodes, most of which you may have already seen, if you’ve been watching this season. 4th.


He picked up the pen and glanced at the sheet of paper, wondering what he was going to write. He was afraid, which made him chuckle humorlessly. After all the things he had seen, fought against... he was afraid, afraid of the gentle soul who managed to capture him without much effort or thought. Placing the pen down, he opened the bottom drawer of his desk and took out his portable CD player.

She had given it to him for his birthday, and with much trepidation he bought a few discs and was surprised at the quality of music out there, as well as the sound. Of course he would never give up the album collection that he had amassed over the years. He smiled as he recalled her laughter, which had the uncanny ability to brighten his days, when she told him:

“I don’t want you to give up your collection Giles, maybe just start a new one.”

He made her swear to secrecy; she couldn’t let the others know, considering how they had reacted when they found out he had a television set.

She promised.

He had been listening to a station Willow had selected while researching one evening, when he heard a song. Finding out whom the artist was, he purchased the disc. The album had its moments, but right now, there was a song that beckoned him.

After setting up the mini speakers, he took the disc out of its case and placed it into the cd player. Searching for the track, he pressed play.

With all of my heart, I
know I can love you...

But with all of my
soul, I’m driftin’ away...

With all of my mind, I
know you could save me
from myself and anything else

He thought of all the times he had wanted to tell her how he felt, and of how he’d pulled back. He knew that she could save him, from his doubts, his insecurities, if he gave her a chance.

With all of my strength,
I wanna reach out for you

With every breath, call
out your name

With every step, I just
wanna turn around and say,
baby, make it okay

He wanted to reach out for her, and know she wouldn’t pull away, but rather embrace him, wrapping herself around him. He wanted to call out to her...

Not in his dreams, where she ruled majestically over him, but in each waking moment.

How he wanted her to be the one he could finally let down his defenses and not worry about how he might look.

But I’m so afraid that you’ve
forgiven me one too many times

And I’m so afraid to give
my heart again

Just to have a change of mind

They had caused each other so much pain in the recent past. He was afraid to give her his heart, although that was all he wanted to do. He wasn’t sure he could survive if something happened to her.

He knew of course that was a moot point.

He would be crushed regardless if something happened to her, only the pain would be somewhat bearable if she didn’t know and return his feelings. Or so he thought.

And I’m not quite sure that
you can trust me

And I would hate to have you
find me again

Baby, like the wind...

Driftin’ away

He wasn’t sure that Willow could trust him completely. He had been in love before and he was devastated when Jenny had been killed. He wasn’t sure if he could give Willow everything she deserved without holding back.

It blows and nobody knows
where it’s going to

*I’m driftin’ away*

It blows and nobody knows
what it’s gonna do

He did feel adrift, not sure where he was going, only praying that somehow he would end up with her.

With all of my heart,
I know I disappointed you

And although I’m real sorry,
I don’t know how to save me this time

He believed they had disappointed each other from time to time. They were far from perfect, but it felt, at least to himself, that for some reason they expected perfection from each other. Had somehow demanded it subconsciously, only to be disappointed when they both fell short of the mark.

But if I would lose you...

I know I would go completely out of my mind

I’m running out of time

He knew that he had let her slip away once already. Allowing his misguided sense of propriety to make him stand back when she had become involved with Oz. Oz would love her...

As much as he wanted to...

Protect, cherish, worship her the way he believed she deserved.

The anger he felt when Oz had betrayed the woman he loved, drove him to the brink. He fought with himself; he wanted nothing more than to teach Oz a lesson for ever causing Willow pain. But he knew he couldn’t, to do so would show everyone how deeply he felt. How much he loved her... needed her.

He sighed deeply.

Glancing at the sheet of paper... he saw that it was still blank. He shook his head slowly. “Can’t even write... damn it!” he cursed aloud, and pushed away from the desk. Going to the kitchen he poured himself a drink, hoping for some false courage from the bottle. Taking the glass with him, he went back into the living room, and sat on the couch, listening to the rest of the song.

And I’m so afraid that you’ve
forgiven me one too many times

And I’m so afraid to give
my heart again

Just to have a change of mind

And I’m not quite sure that
you can trust me

And I would hate to have you
find me again

Baby, like the wind...

Driftin’ away

It blows and nobody knows
where it’s going to

*I’m driftin’ away*

It blows and nobody knows
what it’s gonna do

*You see my heart at night*

At night you can hear it cry
as the tear drops fall from
heaven’s eyes

*Fallin’ down*

And somehow you know its
true, these tears that fall
are fallin’ for you

*Fallin’ for you*

It blows and nobody knows
where it’s going to

*Fallin’ down*

It blows and nobody knows
what it’s gonna do

At night you can hear it cry
as the tear drops fall from
heaven’s eyes

And somehow you know its
true, these tears that fall
are for you

He wiped at a stray tear that found its way down his cheek. ‘Oh, this will never do,’ he thought to himself. Getting up from the couch, he went back to the desk. Finishing off his drink, he picked up the pen, and brought it back down to the paper...

And did nothing.

“FUCK!” he shouted as he hurled the glass across the room where it shattered upon impact. Grabbing his coat and car keys he headed for the front door, pulling it open, he stopped dead in his tracks as Willow was poised to ring his door bell.

“Will... Willow?”

“Giles, are you okay?” she asked, seeing how flushed he looked. And wondering what had made him yell a few seconds ago.

“Yes... I’m fine. What brings you here?” he asked, letting her in.

“I was wondering if we could talk?” she said, spotting the broken shards of glass. “Un... unless you’re in a hurry to get somewhere?” she asked.

“No... no, of course not. I... I was actually on my way to see you,” he said, closing the door.

“Do you need help with something?” she asked sitting down on the couch.

“No, I... I wanted to talk to you as well,” he replied, sitting next to her, their shoulders almost touching.

“About what?”

“Us.”

The End.

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